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<title>The Body Keeps the Score by kittenbreaths (dersecest)</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23298337">The Body Keeps the Score</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/dersecest/pseuds/kittenbreaths'>kittenbreaths (dersecest)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aftermath of Violence, Established Relationship, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, mentions of Brock Rumlow - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 12:07:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>784</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23298337</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/dersecest/pseuds/kittenbreaths</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky is trying his best to cope with memories of Hydra</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Body Keeps the Score</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky’s screams were piercing to Steve’s sleep fogged brain. Nevertheless, he jolted up, arms already outstretched and hands grabbing at whatever part of Bucky that was closest. He got a grip on his right arm, pulling not too gently into Steve’s chest.</p>
<p>Steve curled himself around Bucky’s upper body, petting his sweat soaked hair.</p>
<p>Bucky was kicking and still screaming, occasionally crying out, “Please! Please, no, god no!” He kept up a mantra of “please” and “I’m sorry” as his screams died out. He was shaking violently, his hands clutching Steve’s forearms that were wrapped around his chest. Once the screaming finally stopped, he started sobbing, the nails on his right hand biting into Steve’s arm and drawing blood.</p>
<p>Steve barely noticed. He started rocking them, burying his face in Bucky’s hair to show him there was no threat, they were safe here. If Steve thought there was danger, he would never obscure his vision like this.</p>
<p>It felt like an eternity to Steve when the sobs were replaced with wet, ragged breaths. When he spoke, he tried to keep his tone light despite the dark situation, “Hey, I’m here. Did you want to talk?”</p>
<p>Bucky sucked in a sharp breath, “No, not right now. Can you turn on the lamp?”</p>
<p>Steve pressed his face deeper into Bucky’s hair for a brief second before loosening his grip to flip the switch on the bedside table.</p>
<p>Bucky began to squirm in Steve’s arm, gently but firmly pushing him away. He reluctantly let go, shifting over to give him more space.</p>
<p>Bucky roughly scrubbed his face, probably to get rid of the dried tears. He stood up suddenly and walked to the bathroom. He was just out of line of sight when the sink turned on.</p>
<p>Steve could hear the splashing then the sink turning off. There was a long minute of silence before a loud crack and a soft “fuck”. He called out, “Buck, are you okay?”</p>
<p>Bucky called back, “Yeah, I just...I broke the counter.” He didn’t sound embarrassed, he sounded tired.</p>
<p>Steve didn’t make an attempt to get off the bed. He’s learned that when Bucky wants to be alone, Steve can’t let his worry interfere with that. When he felt safe again, he’d come back but he needed that freedom to walk away.</p>
<p>Bucky gave an exasperated sigh before making his way back to the bed. He climbed on top of the sweat soaked sheets, situating himself close to the edge. He sat cross legged and gripped his lower calves.</p>
<p>Steve could see the microrocking; he was told it was a coping mechanism that stimulates the motion of a cradle or a mother’s arms. Bucky had no idea he did it up until a few months ago when Steve pointed it out. He wasn’t even sure Bucky knew he did it majority of the time.</p>
<p>Steve was caught off guard when Bucky finally spoke up, “I’m sorry this keeps happening. I wish I could control it.”</p>
<p>He apologized everytime. Steve never knew how to comfort him since nothing in the past ever worked.</p>
<p>Bucky barked out a bitter laugh, “You know it would be nice if I could have those nightmare pills, you know the ones Natalia talked about, prazosin?”</p>
<p>Steve nodded, watching the pained smile slip from Bucky’s face, “Yeah, it would be nice.”</p>
<p>Bucky’s shoulder hunched forward with his head and the rocking started getting more prominent. He spoke much softer, “It was about Rumlow again. He was beating me. Fuck, I can see it clear as day. I had my arms covering my face but his face was still there, I could see the sick fuck’s smile.”</p>
<p>“He’s not coming back, he can’t hurt you anymore Buck.” Steve wanted to reach out so bad but resisted. He’ll ask when he’s ready.</p>
<p>Bucky made that decision first, letting go of his calve with his right hand and reaching out to Steve. He didn’t bother looking up when Steve gripped his hand. “It makes me wish the chair could burn out his face from my head,” he admitted grimly.</p>
<p>Steve frowned, “Can I touch you?”</p>
<p>Bucky nodded.</p>
<p>Steve scooted closer to Bucky’s side, changing Bucky’s hand to his right and wrapping his left arm around his waist.</p>
<p>The tension bled out of Bucky’s muscles, slowly relaxing in Steve’s grip. He leaned his head on Steve’s shoulder, eyes closed. “I don’t think I can go back to sleep.”</p>
<p>Steve kissed his temple before resting his forehead against Bucky’s shoulder. “We don’t have to go to sleep. I can make us coffee and we’ll stay awake as long as you need it.”</p>
<p>Bucky hummed in agreement, “Yeah, that’ll be nice. Thanks Stevie.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I haven't written in a long time wow. the title is a real book on the scientific study of trauma by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. and prazosin is a medication used for PTSD related nightmares. PTSD can be different for everyone so the coping mechanisms and reactions from the characters are based on my own experiences. I might continue this as a series for myself</p></blockquote></div></div>
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